Chapter 74 - Genetic Factors II

Noh Doha’s ominous muttering had no effect whatsoever on our safari expedition.

Even Sim Aryeon and Seo Gyu, both famously difficult to get excited, were chattering away in the back seat. The factory-made potato chips and chocolate snacks I’d prepared for the occasion probably played a considerable role, though.

“I-I’ve never been invited over by someone else to, you know, hang out with people before...”

“This is the first time you’ve invited me somewhere like this too, Boss, so I’m really looking forward to it.”

“That’s the Busan Station fam for you... A-a bond those losers from other places could never hope to match...!”

I turned the steering wheel with a pleased smile. Today, I, the Undertaker, intended to show them around not as their guild leader, but as a mere humble guide.

“We are now entering Idea Ranch. Welcome, everyone.”

“Wooooow! Huh? Ahhhh...?”

Aryeon, who had opened the window to admire the ranch, hit the peak of her cheer like a soprano, then gradually descended.

“Um... Guild Leader...?”

“What is it?”

“Why does a horse ranch have... um. T-ten-meter spiked iron fences and concrete walls around it?”

“Hmm.”

I nodded.

“They certainly aren’t the most aesthetically pleasing outdoor decorations.”

“Y-yes. They’re a little scary, or, to be slightly more honest, uh. Almost h-hideous... I guess...?”

“I agree.”

I pressed a button on the remote.

GRRRRR...

The heavy iron gate sealing off the safari theme park slowly opened.

“But Aryeon, outward appearance is merely a secondary attribute of a thing. It never constitutes its essence.”

“Y-yes...?”

“Think about it. Ranches have fences. Naturally, since you can’t have the animals you raise running away whenever they please. Here at Idea Ranch, we’ve simply made those fences a little sturdier, a little stronger. The essence of the ranch hasn’t changed at all. Understand?”

“Uh...”

The tires of my safari truck rolled gracefully through the opening in the iron gate.

“Oh, and you can leave the windows open, but don’t stick your heads outside. That could be dangerous while we’re driving.”

“Oh, yes. Yes...”

The moment Aryeon pulled her upper body back inside, I pressed the remote again.

CLATTER!

As though they’d been waiting for their cue, iron bars rose from the window frames to protect the windows. Aryeon flinched with an “Eek!”

“G-Guild Leader? There are b-bars on the windows. Why are there suddenly bars?”

“Oh, those. I did a little work on the truck when I converted it for safari use. What do you think? Pretty killer, right? Your guild leader has all sorts of talents.”

“I-it’s impressive. Of course it is, but, I mean, why do we need all that impressiveness...?”

“...”

By this point, Seo Gyu had inexplicably fallen silent just like Noh Doha. In the rearview mirror, I could see cold sweat beginning to bead on his macho face.

“Why, to ensure the absolute safety of our precious visitors, of course.”

“N-no, what I mean is, you know. Why would safety even be an issue when we’re just taking a quick look around a ranch in the f-first place...”

“Aryeon.”

Seo Gyu spoke with grim resolve.

“Y-yes?”

“Put on your seat belt.”

“Huh? I-I don’t like wearing seat belts. They’re uncomfortable and make it hard to brea—”

It happened then.

SCREEEEEECH!

“Eeeeeek?”

As the horse’s adorable snort rang out from outside the truck, Aryeon simultaneously screamed inside it.

“Ah. Everyone, please look toward two o’clock. Can you see it? Allow Idea Ranch to proudly present our first horse: Whiny.”

“Horse...?”

Noh Doha stared through the bars with icy eyes.

“That’s a horse...?”

There stood a horse, regarding our safari truck with extreme wariness.

A sign reading ‘Whiny’ hung around its suitably equine long neck, though it must have broken it again, because only ‘Wh■y’ remained legible. Honestly. Such a little troublemaker.

Of course, having been raised in the void, it did differ slightly from an ordinary horse in its exterior. That is, in its appearance—a mere secondary attribute, never an essential element.

For instance, unlike other horses, Whiny could walk on two legs instead of four. Well, not upright like a human, but hunched over, of course.

It was a horse, after all.

Its skin also boasted a decidedly greenish hue rather than brown, black, or white. Probably the result of adapting to the weed-choked plains around Daesan-myeon, wouldn’t you say?

And... hmm. Its teeth were sharp. But horses were creatures with well-developed teeth to begin with. Whiny had merely undergone a little convergent evolution from there.

It was a horse, after all.

Lastly, its hooves—in other words, its fingernails and toenails—had also become slightly sharper. But considering that hooves were organs it had possessed in the first place, this was only a minor modification.

After taking in all those attributes, Noh Doha muttered bleakly.

“Isn’t that... a dinosaur...?”

At that very moment, Whiny opened its mouth.

SCREEEEEECH!

Hmm. Having built a considerable bond with the ranch’s horses over the past six months, I would interpret that as something along the lines of, ‘What bullshit are you spouting, Noh Doha? I am indeed a horse.’

“What? A dinosaur? Now, now, please don’t slander them. In what way do my children resemble dinosaurs? Dinosaurs are hideous creatures with patches of down covering their bodies, whereas my children have smooth skin.”

“Heh. Setting aside the fact that horses grow manes, since when did horse skin mate with a reptile and acquire that lovely smooth green complexion...?”

“V-Velopsiraptor?”

Seo Gyu shouted from the back seat.

“A raptor! It’s a raptor, Boss!”

“A raptor?”

“Yes! The one from Jurassic Park— Wait. My God, Boss, don’t tell me you haven’t seen Jurassic Park either?”

“Of course not. That movie came out before I was even born.”

“No, that’s the old trilogy. Good God. I had no idea you were so clueless about movies, Boss. There are so many more recent installments too...”

“Eeeeeek!”

Noh Doha was horrified, Seo Gyu was excited, and Aryeon cheered. Clearly, our Whiny’s cuteness had made everyone happy.

I kept driving the safari truck.

“Ah. Ah. Please turn your heads toward nine o’clock. There you can see Spiky, our ranch’s thirty-third successful product of factor farming, in the flesh. Its distinctive feature is walking on four legs, as befits a horse.”

“It’s a Triceratops!”

“Please refrain from calling our Spiky by such an unfounded name, student Seo Gyu.”

“Another dinosaur...? What the hell do you have to do to horses to make rhino horns sprout from their fucking skulls...?”

“Now then. Look toward eleven o’clock. Can you see Bonky? Such a beautifully shaped head.”

“Pachycephalosaurus! The head-butting dinosaur!”

“Oh my, Bonky must be so happy to see us that it’s giving our truck a little knock! Haha. Shall we all wave hello to Bonky?”

“Eeeeeek... The truck’s... shaking... Eek...”

As expected, the safari tour was a resounding success.

Every time I introduced a member of our ranch family, a thunderous cheer erupted.

Never in my entire life of regression had I enjoyed such a rewarding day as a host.

“Wonderful. Now, everyone, isn’t it a little boring to just watch the horses through iron bars from inside a safely protected truck?”

“No!”

“I feel exactly the same way! So, under my guidance, we’ll take this special opportunity to bond with the horses.”

“Aah! Aaaaaah...!”

Aryeon howled. Goodness, there was no need to be that delighted.

“With that in mind, I’ll call over the pride of Idea Ranch, my personal number-one pick: Woofy.”

“Woofy...?”

“A very gentle, sweet fellow. Come on, everyone, out of the truck. Aryeon? Come out while I’m asking nicely. If you don’t, I’ll expose you as Goryeojang on SG Net.”

“Eek. Eeek, waaaaah...”

With me in the lead, our group filed out of the safari truck.

“Woofy! Come here!”

I took a barbecued goat from the trunk and sent it sailing deep into the distant woods.

A little later...

THUD!

A torn-off goat hind leg came flying out of the forest. By chance, it passed directly beside Aryeon’s face and struck the truck’s window.

“Aaaaaaah!”

“Now, Woofy is about to make an appearance. Everyone, our Woofy is very sweet, but still young, so it lacks composure and restraint. I ask that you avoid provoking it as much as possible.”

“We’ve agreed to call that [a bad temperament]...”

THOOM. THUD. THOOOM!

Woofy revealed its magnificent form between the forest trees. It was by far the largest of all the horses we’d seen so far. Its hind legs were tremendously powerful compared with its somewhat scrawny forelegs.

And above all, that beautiful head.

Seo Gyu pumped his fist.

“Yes! Of course there had to be a Tyrannosaurus! And it’s even the featherless version! Fuck, scientific accuracy can suck a dick!”

“Gurgle...”

As Seo Gyu lived up to his SG Guy nickname and said “fuck” for the first time in a while, Aryeon collapsed beside him.

She’d apparently fainted from being overwhelmed with emotion. Understandable, given how handsome our Woofy was.

GROAAAAAAR!

Perhaps because it had spotted Daddy, Woofy expressed its delight.

“You heard that, right? Woofy is the youngest at our ranch, distinguished by its woof-woof cry, and its favorite food is goat meat.”

“A carnivorous horse...?”

“Of course. My child is allowed to eat a little meat. Why are you picking on it over its diet?”

“Aha. Until now, I’ve wondered why you, Awakened Undertaker, haven’t started a family, or at least kept a pet. But seeing this today, it suddenly occurs to me that it’s a very good thing you have neither children nor pets...”

THOOM! THUD!

Woofy charged toward me, its hind legs pounding furiously. I drew up aura throughout my body and embraced its head with both arms.

“Aww, yes, yes. You little rascal. Did you miss Daddy lots?”

GROAAAAAR!

“That’s it, that’s it. You shouldn’t spill your food. Here’s the goat leg you dropped, Woofy. Chew it thoroughly.”

GRRRRR! GROAAAR!

“Well? Isn’t our Woofy adorable?”

“...”

Unfortunately, Aryeon was already unconscious and couldn’t answer, while Seo Gyu was busy examining it from every angle with sparkling eyes. That left Noh Doha, who would resent being called anything less than utterly devoid of a human soul, to answer.

“You’re just so absurdly strong that you’re subduing a Tyrannosaurus by force...”

After thus bringing our safari tour to its climax, we returned leisurely to our lodgings. For the record, Aryeon remained unconscious the whole time.

I beamed.

“So, Commander Noh Doha. What are your impressions after inspecting our ranch’s results?”

“Hmm...”

“Personally, I think Woofy would make the most suitable mount for the cavalry we intend to raise.”

“Hmmm...”

“They aren’t exactly easy to raise, but if you grant me the time and budget, I swear I’ll eventually raise a thousand Woofies and create the most powerful cavalry in the world. Oh, of course, every rider will be required to carry a horn I made and blow it whenever they charge.”

“Hmm.”

Noh Doha beamed too.

It was a truly rare smile for her.

“Bullshit.”

But whhhhhy?

3

Epilogue 1.

In the end, Woofy’s cavalry debut fell through, but not all of Idea Ranch’s achievements were dismissed.

“Awakened Undertaker. That freaking huge dinosaur, Spiky or whatever it’s called—does it scarf down a lot of feed...?”

“No. Thanks to the mysteries of void genetics, it continuously absorbs most of the energy it needs for biological activity through its skin. And it’s a horse, not a dinosaur.”

“Whether it’s a fucking dinosaur or a fucking horse, that’s good news. We’ll make good use of Spiky for transporting cargo in the National Road Management Corps, then...”

In addition, rather than Woofy, Thumpy—the horse specializing in head-butting—was chosen as the military mount for awakened riders.

Naturally, I fiercely resisted this utterly disastrous decision.

“No! Cavalry, by definition, must look magnificent! Riders on Thumpies? Where on earth is the romance in that?”

“But doesn’t the Woofy you keep pushing gobble down nearly a hundred kilograms of meat alone every day...? Thumpy, on the other hand, barely needs food and is docile to boot. I don’t see any reason to hesitate...?”

“Bah! You don’t raise cavalry for efficiency!”

“Then we’ll call it a mobile unit instead of cavalry. Or a dinosaur unit, whatever. Fuck. My own outfit is called the National Road Management Corps, and I have no complaints...”

Unbelievable. How could a person possibly have such sensibilities?

Ultimately, from run 380 onward, awakened on the Korean Peninsula occasionally traveled on Thumpies. Though only in the runs where I operated Idea Ranch, of course.

I returned forlornly and climbed onto Woofy’s neck alone. A red sunset was fading beyond the horizon.

“I’m sorry, Woofy. I don’t think I’ll be able to find you a mate...”

GROAAR.

Woofy replied that it was all right; it found the value of its life in philosophical inquiry, never in romantic relationships riddled with carnal desire.

Ah! How could this not break one’s heart?

Steeped in sorrow, I blew my horn astride Woofy’s back.

BWOOOOOOOOOM!

GROAAAAAR!

Against the blazing sunset, a horse and a human roared.

Humanity’s romantic dream of cavalry had finally reached its curtain call.

4

Epilogue 2.

“Seo Gyu. I tracked down that dinosaur movie you recommended last time and watched it. Well, I didn’t think much of it.”

“What? Wait, which one did you watch?”

“The sixth one. They said it was the final installment, so I watched it first. The subtitle was Dominion. Why would you recommend a movie like that?”

“No, Boss, for fuck’s sake...”

- Genetic Factors. End.