Chapter 73 - Best Condition (1)

"I want to see the human too, gnome!"

"Aaah~ Don't push, gnome!"

"Pffft~ You're a silly gnome, gnome! You don't have to go to the front. Just look up and you can see, gnome."

"Oh! You're right, gnome! The human is huge, gnome!"

I looked down at the gnomes clustering around my feet in ever greater numbers. With woolly white beards and squishy cheeks, they were cute all over. They weren't the sturdy earth spirits I'd imagined, but...

I stole a glance at the gleaming gold coin in one gnome's hand.

"..."

Well, it didn't really matter. I was human, after all. I liked cute things as much as anyone, including little chibi characters like these. You know, like Dororong, which you sometimes see floating around online. Better for your mental health than anything gruesome and grotesque.

Still, that was a separate matter. I looked at the gnome offering me a gold coin with its harmless, squishy face.

"Hehe~ Let's play together, gnome!"

... Of course I wanted the gold coin. But I couldn't accept it without any information, since I had no idea what the gnome meant by playing. What if it turned out to be a death game that lasted until one of us died? Or perhaps a spirit's idea of play was something a human body couldn't endure.

I said to the gnome, "... I'm fine with playing. But what are we going to play?"

The gnome went blank for a moment as it thought, then answered with a bright smile.

"Ooh... I haven't thought about that, gnome!"

Then it raised the gold coin in its hand and bit off a piece.

"Shall we have a snack together, gnome? It's yummy, gnome!"

CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

... I see. Since they were earth spirits, they ate rocks and metal. I more or less understood now. To a gnome, giving someone gold meant sharing food. It had offered gold rather than another metal simply because it thought humans liked shiny rocks.

Well, humans didn't like gold because they wanted to eat it.

Then another gnome suddenly interrupted.

"Wait! If you want to eat shiny rocks, you have to give us snacks too, gnome! We share, gnome!"

The other gnomes joined in.

"Right! Right! Give us snacks, gnome!"

"I'm curious about human snacks, gnome!"

I looked down at the gnomes gathered around me, their eyes sparkling.

'Snacks...'

Perhaps this counted as the procedure for making a trade. Even if it didn't, it wasn't a difficult request, so I didn't mind.

"Let's see."

I rummaged through my camping box for something I could give them as a snack. The gnomes crowded around the cooler too, pressing their cheeks together as they peered inside.

"Aaah~ I fell into the box while looking, gnome! Get me out, gnome!"

The fallen gnome flailed about.

"There are so many interesting things, gnome!"

"What's this, gnome?"

One gnome held up a packet of hardtack.

"That's..."

Well, there was plenty in it. Maybe it would be good for sharing?

"It's baked bread. Tear open the packet and there's food inside. I don't know whether you'll like it, though."

Intrigued, the gnomes tore open the packet, each took a piece of hardtack, and popped it into their mouths.

"It's hard, gnome. What kind of rock is this, gnome?"

"Ack! Ack! Powder's spreading down my throat, gnome! It's clogging my throat, gnome!"

I gave the gnomes some of the milk I'd brought along for Grizzly's snack. And since we were having an unexpected snack break, I fed Grizzly too.

"Gyaaa~."

Earth spirits eating hardtack and an invisible vampire eating raw meat soaked in milk.

... It was a bizarre sight, all right.

"It tastes like the rocks we usually eat, gnome. It's yummy, gnome. ... Hmm?"

Just then, a gnome discovered some star candy inside the hardtack bag.

"Hieee...!"

The gnomes' eyes widened at the sight of it.

"Pretty, colorful rocks, gnome!"

"Those are snacks too. Want to try them?"

"Gnome?!"

I handed out the star candy. The gnomes examined it, then put it into their mouths and chewed.

CRUNCH!

"—?!"

Their eyes widened and their bodies trembled!

"H-hieeeee...! It's y-yummy, gnome!"

"Sweeter than wild raspberries, gnome!"

"It's a gnome-friendly flavor, gnome!"

With sparkling eyes, they rummaged through their beards and pockets for gold coins.

"Human! Human! Give us more, gnome!"

"What kind of rock is this, gnome?!"

I lightly rubbed my chin as I watched the excited gnomes. Seeing these tiny little guys so delighted made me want to tease them.

"Ah, that is what we call star candy."

I lowered my voice.

"It's quite common where I come from."

The gnomes' eyes went round with astonishment!

"Whaaat! S-star candy?!"

"S-something like this is common... Humans are amazing, gnome..."

"Scary, gnome!"

They squealed, sank to the floor, and slapped their foreheads with their short arms. My eyes narrowed, and the corners of my mouth rose a little.

"Hmm..."

I'd thought those isekai hero stories were idiotic, but doing it myself was actually kind of fun. Showing advanced goods to another race that knew nothing of Earth's developed civilization and leading them...

Something about that train of thought felt wrong, and I snapped out of it.

... No, wait. That was an imperialist colonial mindset!

Fuck, isekai hero stories were a goddamn dangerous genre.

Anyway, their delight made giving them snacks rewarding. I opened the other packets of hardtack and distributed the star candy inside.

"Waaaaah~!"

The gnomes happily ate it.

"Ooh... The human gave us so many yummy things."

The gnome that had first offered me a gold coin spoke shyly.

"I don't have any more shiny rocks to give you, gnome... I'm sorry, gnome..."

Apparently, they didn't have an unlimited supply of gold to give away after all. ... Actually, it would have been more of a problem if they did.

I looked at the piles of gold coins filling the leather pouch. I was genuinely satisfied with this much, so I had no desire to pester them for more. If I wasn't careful, I'd be cutting open the goose that laid the golden eggs. Besides, playing imperialist... no, isekai hero had been fun too.

"Don't worry about that. I had fun playing with you too."

I stroked the gnome's head.

"I'll give you snacks whether you give me gold or not. Let's play together again."

The gnome looked up at me with shining eyes.

"Heeey~ Then, gnome! We'll follow the human, gnome!"

"Huh?"

I blinked involuntarily at the gnomes that had gathered around my feet before I knew it.

‧

‧

‧

The next day, at Yohan's secret workshop.

I stopped by the workshop to check on the Hand of Glory I'd left curing in salt. ... Considering how long it took to prepare, I thought it ought to be renamed the Hand of Pickles.

Anyway, I checked it and found nothing wrong. The grimoire said roughly two weeks, so if things went well, perhaps I could take it out and use it before then.

After checking, I sat down on the sofa to rest. A smiling gnome toddled over with a plate on its head, bringing me coffee.

"Pasta! I made coffee, gnome!"

"Not pasta. Master."

"Masta! I made coffee, gnome!"

"... Well, I suppose it doesn't matter."

I accepted the coffee the gnome handed me and took a sip.

The gnome evidently hadn't been making an empty promise when it said it would follow me. Gnomes were wandering all over the workshop.

"Cleaning, gnome!"

Some were cleaning with feather dusters and rags, while others were feeling around for the invisible Grizzly and chattering at him.

"Waaah~ Grizzly! Grizzly! Help me, gnome!"

"Gyaa?"

"That greedy gnome over there! He went, 'Ahem! I eat three meals at once~' and stole my snack too, gnome!"

Grizzly tilted his head.

"Gyaaa...?"

It looked like a group of little cats chattering in front of a big dog, the kind of thing you'd see on YouTube Shorts.

"Hmm..."

I stroked the head of the gnome that had brought me coffee, and it purred.

"Gnooome~."

Having these tiny minions around made me feel like the boss of a third-rate evil organization. I tilted my cup and sipped again.

Well, it was a little different from what I'd imagined, but...

The gnomes chattered noisily around the workshop.

"Gnome~!"

My contract with the gnomes, spirits of earth, was a success.

* * *

A foggy dock at dawn, in a port city on the outskirts of China.

In a deserted spot, two muscular men heading home after drinking late into the night caught sight of something.

[Bajiquan: The Greatest Under Heaven]

Beside a flag bearing words that looked like an advertisement for a low-rent martial arts school stood an old man, smoking. His white hair was cropped short and brushed back.

"..."

Malicious smiles spread across the two men's faces. Tipsy, they approached to pick a fight with a suitable victim, as usual.

Yes, they approached drunk. That was why they failed to notice the old man's straight posture or his unexpectedly solid build.

"Look, we've got a martial arts master here."

"Did you make that flag yourself? Ptooey."

The old man removed his cigarette from his mouth and addressed the man who had spat on the flag.

"I'm a kind man. I'll give you a chance to wipe that off."

Both men burst out laughing, mocking him. Another gob of spit followed.

"Hahaha! What if I don't? You'll use that martial art? Tai chi?"

"You'll teach us a lesson with some miraculous technique that overcomes strength with softness?"

The old man's level voice rang out across the dock.

"No."

With a flick of his hand, he threw the cigarette into the spitting man's eye.

WHOOSH!

"Aaagh—?!"

In the brief instant the startled man blinked...

BOOM!

The old man's fist slammed into the groove above the man's upper lip, smashing his face. The impact drove him backward and flipped him a hundred and eighty degrees, planting his head in the dock. His skull split, blood spilled out, and he died.

The old man spoke calmly.

"Strike first to win. Kill with one blow."

Hit first and kill. There was no overcoming strength with softness. There was only violence that beat people to death.

The other man's voice came out bewildered.

"Huh? Wha...?"

He'd seen it happen, but it was so quick that he couldn't understand the situation. He merely realized by instinct that his life was in danger and pulled a knife from inside his clothes.

"Y-you...!"

But the old man was faster at that too. Already holding a military knife, he closed in, stabbed the man's body, pulled it out, and stabbed again.

THWACK-THWACK-THWACK!

In an instant, he stabbed the torso three times, then finished the man off by slitting his throat. Two corpses lay on the dock, staining it with blood.

"When an opponent you thought would fight fair with his fists pulls out a blade..."

The old man shook the blood from his knife.

"That's where the true terror of Chinese martial arts begins."

Then he turned toward the client who had been waiting.

"Did you enjoy the show?"

A voice rang out from the fog.

"Are you boasting after killing a mere two drunken punks?"

"A victory in a fight is a victory, regardless."

The old man, Lee Munryong, answered nonchalantly.

"Fighting with a clear mind and your body in peak condition is only possible in the ring."

He smiled calmly.

"People shit, get sick, and drink. There's no such thing as being in your best condition in a fight."

"..."

A young, black-haired foreign man stepped out of the fog. He was Alphonse, heir to the Paracelsian School, the vast European school that wielded the four elements.

"So you're the Chinese man who proclaims himself the greatest under heaven."

"Self-proclaimed greatest under heaven, yes. A man ought to have at least that much ambition. And—"

Lee Munryong immediately raised his index finger to correct him.

"I'm Taiwanese, not Chinese. Please don't get that wrong."

Uninterested in the differences between Asians, Alphonse ignored him without a word. Lee Munryong brought up business.

"So, what's the job?"

"I'm going to Korea to kill a magician with no pedigree."

Alphonse frowned as though displeased.

"... His skill is genuine, though. I need a capable bodyguard."

"Ha!"

Lee Munryong chuckled. Setting aside the particulars of the job, a warrior and a magician made a classic party.