Chapter 195 - The Thing She Wanted Most

Whenever Valdrova met Ferda, she thought about it.

She wanted to be alone with him, just the two of them.

They did always meet as a pair, but it was never completely just the two of them.

Luri was always there.

She said to think of her as part of the furniture, but how could Valdrova possibly do that?

There had been many times she was grateful to have Luri at her side.

Whenever it was hard for them to find a topic of conversation, Luri would casually toss one out, and they could keep talking from there.

But she truly needed time alone with Ferda.

Even if they both stumbled, she only wanted to take their time and overcome it.

Right now was close to the private time she had dreamed of now and then.

'Not that the situation is right.'

They were trapped in a locked room, and Ferda was in terrible pain.

Was there nothing she could do for him?

Valdrova wiped away his sweat with the handkerchief she had kept with her.

When he lifted his head, she worried he might scream, but thankfully, he did not.

Instead, he began to say something.

"You..."

He said.

"Are you good at keeping secrets?"

Me?

Am I good at keeping secrets?

This was the first time he had ever asked her something.

'Am I good at that?'

She did not know.

Many people did come to her and talk about themselves.

At first, she had thought they might be asking her for advice, but after pouring everything out one-sidedly, they would leave with refreshed expressions.

'Is that not counseling too, in a way?'

She did not know how to define it, but that was not important right now.

Valdrova answered for the moment.

... Nod, nod.

"I see... You said you spent months here without speaking to anyone... so I suppose you would be."

So you did know at least a little about me.

The fact that he was not completely indifferent made her happy.

That happiness did not last long.

"To be honest, I did not like you."

...

"When you refused to accept the position of knight and said you would live as a laborer, I thought you were plotting some conspiracy."

...

"Though that suspicion did not last long. You were not that kind of person."

The armor knight lifted her head.

Had he recognized what she was like?

But Ferda's gaze did not come from any positive feeling.

The look in his eyes, close to revulsion, hurt her.

"And... I apologize."

?

"I shouted at you harshly. That was not something I should have done to someone who was worried about me."

Nod.

Valdrova understood too.

Because she firmly believed Ferda was not that kind of person.

Ferda swallowed the hesitation on his lips and continued.

"I could not help it. I do not know why... but I kept seeing an illusion of her overlapping with you."

?

"My fiancée, I mean."

!!

Valdrova was startled despite herself.

She had thought she was making her behavior as masculine as possible.

Although Luri had said, "It looks about like a game of house played by preschoolers," Valdrova had believed other people would not be that sharp.

Could it be that Ferda had known who she was this entire time?

Seeing Valdrova react like that, Ferda let out a faint breath.

"Yes, it is strange. How I could see her in someone like you, I mean."

"..."

"But lately, this has happened often. Do you remember that high elf?"

Nod, nod.

"I even sensed my fiancée in her... no, in him."

Ah.

That is quite disappointing...

Valdrova fidgeted with her fingers and focused on Ferda's face.

Ferda continued speaking.

"The reason I am telling you this... is because I feel that if I do not say it now, I may die."

It did not matter.

If it worked, she thought anything was fine.

"It seems that is not the case."

Only sad news returned to her.

"My Circle... is gradually reaching its limit."

"..."

"There are two Circles in my body. Their names are different, but both are things forged from my emotions."

Ferda placed a hand over his dantian.

"The Red Circle is so dangerous that if it stops, I will die. But if I let it run blindly, it is even more dangerous."

"..."

"Right now, one of them is spinning violently."

She grew restless.

How could she help him?

Ferda's eyes turned toward Valdrova.

Her whole body seemed to be saying that she did not know what to answer.

Rather, that made it easier for him to continue speaking.

"Trauma... seems to show humans what they fear most, and what they regret."

"..."

"Do you know what I saw in that trauma?"

His throat caught once, as if he wondered whether he could say this.

But in the end, he let it out.

"It was a scene of her... pulling out her own heart and handing it to me."

Valdrova's fidgeting fingers stopped.

It felt as if her heart stopped too.

Had that horrible phantom, awful even just to hear about, tormented him this much?

"That sight was what I feared and regretted most."

Why?

Valdrova forced herself to swallow that question.

She had never taken out her heart, and she would never do something so painful...

'In the end, it happened... because of me.'

Her chest grew heavy.

As heavy as it was, Ferda's breathing grew faster and faster.

"I find myself thinking today may be the last."

Valdrova found Ferda like this terribly unfamiliar.

This was a side Ferda did not show her.

And it was a side he did not show the public either.

She had thought Ferda was an extremely strong human.

The things that came together so easily in his hands were wondrous, and people looked up to him.

She had thought worries were no more than fences he could lightly step over.

But she had been wrong.

In the end, Ferda too was a human who could one day break.

Something was spinning violently in Ferda's lower abdomen.

Even as he spoke like this, the shadows were turning the Shadow Circle on their own.

He groaned on the bed from the pain of his organs being wrung out.

"Ugh... Aah..."

At the moment it reached its peak, all the pain vanished.

A new layer formed beneath Ferda's dantian and piled up as it was.

The moment the knot was tied, Ferda felt it clearly.

"Urgh...!"

That terrifying emotion, far from being resolved, was trying to burrow into Ferda's heart.

It was trying to repeat the future in which he had wandered through anger and hatred that had lost their purpose.

Ferda's will was firm.

"Even once..."

He would remain human rather than become a monster.

"I wanted to call that name again..."

Ferda leaned forward and placed a hand on his own chest.

His vision blurred and dropped toward the floor.

He squeezed out the last of his remaining sanity and gathered mana to take his own life.

"Eleanor..."

"No!"

A clear voice caught Ferda.

The last thing he saw in his vision was the armor knight.

He was running toward him.

The only difference was that the contents were bursting out, as if tearing through a shed chrysalis.

Those contents were very red.

"Mr. Ferda!"

A familiar, lovely tone pierced his ears.

It was Valdrova's.

But he did not believe it.

That voice would once again change back into the man's original voice.

"I am right here!"

Ferda's tilting body was supported by a soft sensation.

What he felt from her skin was a sweet scent.

If this was real, Ferda was doing something terribly embarrassing and irreverent by burying his face in her chest.

"I am right here... so please, do not hurt anymore...!"

She pleaded in a voice that sounded as if she might cry.

No matter how much time passed, he showed no sign of waking from that dream.

Ferda looked up at Valdrova with hazy eyes.

Crimson hair, golden eyes, and two pairs of horns.

No matter how many times he blinked, that form remained the same.

"My light... Eleanor."

"Yes, I am here."

"Why are you here...?"

"Because... I was here from the beginning."

"You were here from the beginning? That is..."

Ferda did not believe such an impossible story.

The answer he could give with the sanity he had barely grasped was this.

'I see... Am I dreaming right now?'

He wondered if the trauma had caught him.

And yet, strangely, it did not feel like a nightmare.

Normally, this would be a situation where he had to come back to his senses at once.

But ironically, Ferda's reason screamed for him to stay as he was.

Because of that hallucination, the heart the Shadow Circle had been trying to devour was returning completely to Ferda's control.

It was a warmth like a cozy cabin found after being stranded on a snowy mountain buried in snow.

'If I can avoid regretting it, even like this...'

Would it not be better to follow his desire instead?

If so, there might be a small chance.

Ferda carefully slipped out of that embrace and stood in place.

Her golden eyes were wet with moisture and more beautiful than any jewel.

"Eleanor."

"Yes."

"Eleanor..."

"Yes, yes..."

Ferda kept calling her name again and again.

Valdrova tried to lower her head in embarrassment.

"No."

Valdrova was startled by the sensation of a hand touching her cheek.

Ferda raised his hand and forced her face up.

"Please show me your face."

"N-Nooo..."

"Then please try to resist."

Valdrova was the Aspect of Power.

If she chose to, she could shake Ferda off at any time.

Valdrova did not resist.

No, she could not.

Those eyes looked as if he was drunk on something.

As she looked into them, she felt as if her whole body were turning to stone.

On top of that, her heart was pounding so hard that she was busy trying to calm it.

Her body moved obediently in Ferda's hand.

At that sight, Ferda was certain once again.

"As expected, this is not reality."

"I really am real, though..."

Valdrova insisted in a cry like a sickly chick.

But watching her like that, Ferda smiled faintly.

"So... I am a little relieved. If you were real, I would not be able to touch you like this."

Was that... a good thing?

Since Ferda said so, she supposed it must be.

"Eleanor. There is something I want to ask you."

"Y-Yes?"

"The name I gave you... do you dislike it?"

"I, um... that is..."

Valdrova faltered.

"Actually... when you call me that, Mr. Ferda, I get all strange..."

"Then... if I meet you again, would it be better if I did not call you by that name?"

Valdrova could not answer.

She could not easily speak because she felt as if what would come out of her mouth would not be words, but her stomach turned inside out.

Instead, she shook her head vigorously.

"I see. I understand."

"..."

"Will you show me your face?"

He forcibly lifted the face she had covered with her hands.

Her face was flushed bright red, her lips and eyes squeezed shut.

Looking at her, Ferda felt a boiling emotion.

'It is spinning.'

Ferda's Red Circle, which the Shadow Circle had tried to encroach on.

It was spinning powerfully.

'If not now... I will not be able to balance it.'

Even if she was an illusion, the fact that he loved her did not change.

Ferda decided to ride this momentum.

"Eleanor."

"Yes."

"What I saw in the trauma... was you pulling out your heart for me."

"M-My heart, you mean?"

"Yes... Right here..."

Ferda's empty hand rose and touched Valdrova's flesh.

"Right here, you gave it to me..."

"Hic!"

At the bold touch he would never have dared normally, a hiccup burst out of her.

With a hand placed on her chest, Valdrova's head spun.

She wanted to run away.

She wanted to break through that door right now and flee far away.

But if she did, Mr. Ferda would not be able to escape this space, so she had to endure it.

Ferda did not withdraw his hand.

His index finger felt the pulse in her chest, and he gave a slight smile.

"Your heart... is beating. Strongly."

"Yees, it is b-beat-beat-beating...!"

"Eleanor, Eleanor..."

"Yes, yes!"

"I am glad I can confirm it like this."

"A-Are you?"

"I was afraid you might lose your heart."

At his softened tone, Valdrova was able to set aside her embarrassment for a moment.

"Are you no longer suffering?"

"No. I am still suffering."

"What? Why?"

"Because of you."

"Yes?? Then is there a problem..."

"It is all right. It is not a bad suffering."

The Shadow Circle stopped, and the Red Circle above it beat.

"Right now, it is spinning because of you."

"It is... spinning?"

"This feeling with which I love you... is spinning like this in this moment."

"I-I see."

"Would you like to feel it?"

"Yes. ... Yes?"

Before she could resolve the question of what he meant by that,

Ferda carefully took Valdrova's hand.

His slender, warm hand guided Valdrova's hand.

"Can you feel it?"

He carefully brought her hand toward his dantian.

Valdrova's face flushed bright red, and she stammered.

Though it was through several layers of clothing, Valdrova felt it clearly.

The rough thing spinning inside Ferda's body flowed into her through her fingers.

Valdrova realized she had swallowed the forbidden fruit.

She did not know what to call this, but this act was making her heart race more than she could endure.

What should she call this?

Love?

If this was called love, then love was ruthless violence, and like an unbearable calamity.

BOOM!

At last, her head exploded.

Her tongue twisted, and language was melting away.

"Eleanor."

"Yes, yesh..."

"I have imagined you endlessly, but this is the first time it has spun this much."

"I-I shee...!"

"It is astonishing. Though I feel that every time..."

Regardless, Ferda continued speaking.

"Hatred and anger, those two have always tormented me. The regrets that remain like that torment me too."

His blue eyes would not let Valdrova go.

"But this moment is different."

He said.

"You make me complete."

Valdrova could understand what that meant.

Because she too had often felt that way when she was with Ferda.

"Eleanor."

"Yees...?"

"Could you grant me one request?"

"What...?"

"When I saw that face of yours, there was something I wanted to try."

Her face was flushed bright red.

What did he want to do to that face she wanted to hide, worried that blemishes might be showing?

"I was afraid you might hate me terribly, afraid that when you were this pure, I might defile you, so I could never bring myself to do it."

"M-Mr. Ferda..."

She could barely endure this much already, so what more did he want to do?

Valdrova could not tell what he was trying to do.

But something briefly caught her eye.

His moist gaze and the lips shining along with it.

Those lips looked terribly soft and beautiful.

Her pounding heart passed its limit and instead began to calm.

It was on a completely different level from the pounding just a moment ago.

Ferda did not wait for Valdrova's consent.

Valdrova did not resist or refuse either.

She moved as her instincts led her.

She lifted her head to match his face and closed her eyes.

She felt Ferda's hands on both cheeks.

Her empty lips tingled.

And then he,

"Huh...?"

Grabbed both of Valdrova's cheeks.

She wondered what he was doing, and then he pressed those cheeks firmly with his thumbs.

As if kneading rice cake.

"M-Mishter Ferda?"

"Yes."

"What ish... thish?"

"It is what I wanted to do."

His eyes shone purely.

"I always wanted to touch both your cheeks."

"Mmngh...?"

What was this?

What Valdrova had been waiting for was definitely on a completely different level from this.

It had to be something bolder, something that did not take the stairs step by step but skipped them and leaped ahead.

But she could not bring herself to say that.

"They are soft, hehe..."

Ferda's expression was more peaceful than ever.

As the saying went, one could not spit in a smiling face, and when she saw that face, her language melted away once more.

If she opened her mouth, unsightly babbling would surely burst out.

In the meantime, the thing that had been spinning violently in Ferda's body gradually began to stabilize.

It settled into the form of an even larger, smoother sphere.

As its form became complete, the sanity he had barely held onto collapsed.

Valdrova carefully laid him on top of her chest.

She stroked his head and whispered.

"You did... well."

Seeing him at peace made her heart feel lighter too.

Ferda looked like a baby when he slept.

Would it not be right to let him sleep a little longer like this?

She wanted to spend a little more time alone together, but that wish did not come true.

The door that had not budged opened again.