Chapter 36 - My Heart Hurts

I looked straight at the startled Esther and said,

"Commander Blash wants you to join the Church. And of course, I agree."

Funnily enough, I had ended up sounding like the chairman.

"You're already beyond the level of an academy student. In just one semester, everyone's opinion of you has completely changed."

"Me... join the Church?"

"The sisterhood, to be precise!"

Blash answered for me, taking up the baton without my ever handing it over.

"Normally, you should start at the seminary, but early graduation requires you to enter a higher institution! So we'll have to send you to the sisterhood! Considering that a certain genius paladin hasn't even graduated from the seminary yet, this is an extraordinary privilege!"

"But Commander, wasn't it talent for the paladin order that you needed...?"

"Originally, yes."

Blash turned his head slightly to look at me.

"But someone has been most unyielding."

So the man knew how to drop pointed hints, too.

Not that I felt the slightest twinge of guilt.

"I couldn't go back empty-handed, so I came to see the healing magic I'd only heard rumors about. And it exceeded my expectations! No, it went beyond anything I could have imagined!"

"D-did it? Thank you... But that's all thanks to my patron..."

"I've heard the story. Lord Daywin told me everything. Sounded a little like he was boasting, too!"

"Excuse me, when did I ever—"

"We need you."

We.

He must have meant the Church as a whole, but part of me heard it a little differently.

We, right here.

It wouldn't be wrong to take that as Blash and me.

I wanted Esther to graduate early more than anyone.

"And you... feel the same way, my patron...?"

"Yes. As I said, I think it's a wonderful opportunity. One you can't afford to miss. I trust Commander Blash to take very good care of you."

I turned slightly and cast a glance at Blash.

A counterattack.

This time, I was the one dropping a hint.

I was telling him without words that Esther had better not suffer any mistreatment or unfair disadvantage once she got there.

"As your patron, I believe the sisterhood will help you grow further."

"Yes... I understand..."

"Excellent! Then pack your bags, Esther! Will three days be enough?"

"Th-three days? That's much more generous than forty-five minutes..."

Forty-five minutes, huh.

And just like that, the pointed hints had come back around to me...

"Hmm, naturally. You'll have to contact your guardians, too. Getting a reply within three days will be difficult, so we'll need to find a swift courier! Ask your patron about that! I'm sure he'll gladly cover the expense!"

"You're awfully shameless when it's not your money."

"But you do have plenty, don't you? Ha ha ha!"

As Blash and I traded jabs, Esther worked up the courage to interrupt.

"A little...! Please give me... a little more time."

"Hmm?"

"Huh?"

Blash and I turned our heads at the same time.

It was like some comedy routine.

"Th-three days isn't enough...! At least a week..."

"Hmm? Didn't you say it was better than forty-five minutes?"

"Yes, Esther. I thought you said he was better than me."

"Th-that's... I wasn't complaining about the train schedule back then. I'm sorry..."

Esther waved both hands, then spoke calmly.

"I... have things to sort out."

"I see! You have a lot of luggage!"

"What are you talking about, Esther? You packed everything in forty-five minutes last time. Are you the type who only gets to work when a deadline is looming? You're not a novelist."

"It's not that... But I do have things to sort out..."

"Hmm. If you have your reasons, it can't be helped! In that case, hmm..."

Blash folded his arms and looked up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, but I can't stay here for an entire week! I've already spent a great deal of time on this mission, and something urgent has come up. I have about three days' worth of investigating to do here, but any longer would be difficult!"

For some reason, he put particular emphasis on "something urgent."

That urgent matter was, of course, the information about the Death God's cult I had slipped him, along with the undead that had appeared in the memorial hall.

The academy founder who had opened his coffin and climbed out.

We had to find out how he had come back to life.

We couldn't even answer the basic who, what, when, where, why, and how.

Of those six questions, we could answer only one or two.

"So we won't be able to travel together! Instead, I'll leave my letter of recommendation with Lord Daywin. Once you've made up your mind, take it to a nearby chapel or monastery. Show them the letter, and they'll arrange for you to reach the Church's sisterhood!"

Wow.

That really brought home how much power the commander of a knightly order wielded.

If I hadn't been caught up in a war, I could have enjoyed a little of that power myself.

No sooner had I thought that than I realized I never would have become commander if not for the war.

I wouldn't even have become a paladin, let alone commander.

"You'll learn a great deal at the sisterhood. As you study holy magic there, you may find a clue to mana control, too."

I phrased it as a possibility, but since I knew the hidden ending, I was essentially slipping her the truth.

"A week, though."

"I'm sorry."

"No. Your future is at stake. You should give it plenty of thought."

Honestly, I wanted to send her off immediately.

But she was so adamant that pushing her seemed likely to do nothing but lower her affection for me.

"Hmm, very well. As Lord Daywin says, think it over carefully. Give it all the thought you need, and then be sure to join the Church!"

Ignoring Blash's booming voice, I watched Esther as she pressed her lips together, lost in thought.

036

The first day of the week Esther had been given.

"Commander Blash... personally invited you?"

As Esther explained what had happened yesterday, Laward repeated the question, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"Th-that's... r-really... wonderful..."

He struggled to get the words out, trembling all over.

Jealousy flared up for a moment, but his recent defeat had taught Laward humility and shown him the path forward.

He knew jealousy would gain him nothing.

"Yes... It seems I'll be formally studying the Church's teachings, too."

She had said she wanted more time to consider her future, yet in front of Laward, she spoke as though it were already decided.

"Did my esteemed mentor say the same?"

"Yes. He... encouraged me."

"I see..."

As Laward's voice grew quiet, Esther tilted her head, her eyes anxious.

"Does it upset you that much—"

"No, not at all. Not anymore. I'm the one who's lacking."

"Hehe... No. You're not lacking at all."

"Oh, then why don't we study together, starting today?"

"What...?"

"I think that would be better. I still have plenty to learn myself, but since I started earlier, I think I have some knowledge I can share."

"Would that... really be all right...?"

Esther looked happier than she ever had since enrolling at the academy.

Compared to the first semester, this was like a dream.

Not only was Laward responding to her normally, he had readily taken the initiative and suggested spending time together.

She remembered trying to catch his interest before by emphasizing that they shared the same interests.

Had that been the right strategy after all?

"But I'd be taking up your time..."

"Not at all. Teaching you will help me review, too. How about starting today? I'll be waiting in the library. I'll save you the seat beside me."

"The library... b-beside you..."

Her heart pounded so hard she felt she might collapse at any moment.

"Are you all right? Your face is very red. If you're not feeling well, we can start tomorrow inst—"

"Today! Let's start today! Not tomorrow!"

"... You're very enthusiastic."

The second day of the week she had left.

"You learn incredibly quickly."

Esther had been watching Laward's hand as he turned the pages. His unexpected remark brought her back to her senses.

"Oh, it's only theory, but I've been learning magic since I was little..."

"Since you were little?"

Laward thought back to his own childhood.

All he had learned as a child was pickpocketing and fighting.

That, and how to pretend he was fine even when he was lonely.

"How fascinating. Being able to learn magic from childhood."

"My parents were mages."

"How fascinating. Having parents from childhood."

"..."

"That was a joke."

"Never do that again."

"Was it that bad...?"

"Yes. My heart hurts. It makes me sad."

"That's strange. My esteemed mentor loves this sort of thing..."

"Please, I'm begging you. Don't. "

"Understood. So your parents taught you magic?"

"Yes, when I was little."

"Then didn't you have no need to come to the academy?"

"Not until I caused an accident."

"An accident?"

As Laward tilted his head and asked, Esther had the illusion of heat haze shimmering before her eyes.

"Yes. Learning magic led to me causing... an accident. My parents had to give up their entire fortune to pay compensation, and they had to promise in front of everyone never to use or teach magic again. They lost their entire lives as mages. All those years, gone."

Esther drew a long breath, then added,

"All because of me."

"I... had no idea you'd been through that."

"We had to leave our hometown and move to the seaside. It's a lovely place. I'd like to invite you sometime, if we get the chance. It's so lovely that tourists flock there in the summer. Though summer vacation is already over..."

Swallowing her disappointment, Esther gave a small smile.

"But however beautiful it is, it's not a fitting end for a distinguished family that made its name and fortune through magic. And that's all because of me, too."

"I... see."

"I came here to prove myself. If I learn and change, my parents can get their old lives back, too. They say they're satisfied with the life they have now... But honestly, if I were them, I don't think I could truly be satisfied."

"You must have a lot weighing on your heart."

"I do, but..."

At that moment, Laward enclosed Esther's hand in both of his.

"Shall we pray?"

"W-well, um, that's, no, yes...?"

"That's what I do at times like this."

"I-I kn-know that, but w-wait a moment."

"Close your eyes. Today, I'll pray for you."

The seventh day of the week she had left.

"This?"

Laward pointed to the halo above his head.

"I'm not happy with it. It certainly doesn't look holy... Cracked metal, of all things. It doesn't even shine. Though my esteemed mentor says it's much better than an ordinary one."

"Being special isn't always a good thing."

Understanding the feeling, Esther nodded.

"Would you like to touch it?"

"What...? Am I allowed to?"

"Yes. Despite how it looks, you can actually touch it. Go ahead."

"That's not what I meant..."

Thinking of a cat that had allowed her to touch its tail, she carefully reached toward the halo and gave it a light touch.

"It's... warmer than I expected. It feels strange."

"You should get used to it. Just as paladins have halos, they say saints have their own distinctive marks."

"What?"

"Saints have them, too. I hear they appear on their skin."

"No, that's not... A saint?"

"Yes, a saint. Is something wrong?"

"All this time... you thought I was going to become a saint?"

The seventh day of the week she had left.

In the end, Esther had decided not to join the sisterhood.

These were the happiest days she had ever known.

He had always been so cold to her, but now he seemed like an entirely different person.

He smiled at her, joked with her.

Prayed for her.

Before she knew it, he had started smiling freely around her, too.

Without knowing what was in her heart.

Without knowing that a single, ordinary smile could give someone the strength to keep living.

"You encouraged me... studied with me... because you thought I was going to become a saint."

And held her hand as he prayed.

"... Is that why you did all that?"

"Yes, of course."

Laward, meanwhile, nodded as though it were obvious.

"Why... are you angry?"

"Saints can't get married."

Today.

Today, when she had decided to throw away her opportunity and stay by his side a little longer.

Everything collapsed.

It all came crashing down.

"I know that. Of course."

"I want to be a mother someday."

"What...? Then you can't become a saint!"

"I never wanted to become one!"

Laward froze at Esther's raised voice.

"Whaaat...? Then why join the sisterhood...?"

"I told you. I need to study more. That way, I can find a way to prove myself. I told you everything. My circumstances, my past, all of it. Things I've never told anyone else. I told only you."

"Yes, I remember."

"And yet, the reason you listened to me... the reason you changed into what seemed like a different person and finally started being kind to me..."

Esther bit down hard on her lower lip.

"Was because you saw me as a woman even less than before? For this entire week, you didn't see me as a woman for even a single moment."

"Yes, that's right."

Esther's expression crumbled, too.

No matter how hard she tried to hold it together, it fell apart all too easily.

"After all, if you aren't chaste, you can't join the cler—"

"I'm sorry."

Her voice trembling, she shook her head.

"No, I don't understand. What's all this, all of a sudden...?"

"Every day this past week, my heart raced. I was happy, all on my own, and I burned up."