Chapter 109 - The Way She Loves (1)

Lady Silver Lily, the duke's daughter, stands in the corridor at midnight.

Behind her stands an enormous mirror. A full-length mirror. Smooth and clean.

The mirror, over which moonlight slides, reflects only her straight back. With nothing to reflect but a spot of moonlight and a strand of hair, Lady Silver Lily looked like an island standing alone in a dark sea.

"You are silent."

"..."

"You look troubled. Your expressions are quite clear. Easy to read even at night. Your face alone tells me this is the [first] time."

The first time?

My heart had been pounding with unease for a while now. It still was. Why was Lady Silver Lily speaking to me so familiarly?

A sword, cold and merciless to everyone. The moon of House Ivansia.

She had no reason... to be kind to me, Lady Golden Silk Blossom's butler.

Surely she had none.

"... I fell silent because I did not know what to say. Please forgive me if I have been rude. Lady Ducal Heir, is this... a dream? Have you appeared in my dream as well?"

Lady Silver Lily responded with a very strange expression. Somehow, the smile upon her lips felt like a scar.

"An interesting question. Yes, your dream has swallowed my life. Now I understand that love is merely offering one's life to someone else's dream."

What did she mean?

"I become your dream, and you become my life. We call that exchange of dreams and lives love."

What was she talking about?

I did not understand what those words meant. There were many other things I did not understand, either.

Still wearing that scarred smile, Lady Silver Lily explained one of them.

"But I doubt you intended anything so romantic by your question. I shall give you a serious answer. If you are puzzled by the absence of servants, do not worry. I sent them all away."

"Why...?"

"And a warning. Never again call me [ducal heir] with those lips."

Lady Silver Lily smiled.

"I will carve out your heart and kill you."

"..."

I could not understand.

Just now, Lady Silver Lily had directed murderous intent at me. Her threat to kill me was by no means empty. Nor was it a bluff. If I called her 'ducal heir' one more time, her rapier would most certainly pierce my heart.

It would, and yet...

'Why?'

Why was the murderous intent she directed at me not cold, but so warm and comforting?

Could a declaration of murder feel this reassuring?

"Come here."

Her voice beckoned me like a gesture of her hand. I could not refuse. When I approached Lady Silver Lily, she pointed to the full-length mirror.

"What do you see?"

"... I see you standing beside me, my lady."

"And?"

"The dark corridor... is barely lit by moonlight. Apart from you and me, I can see almost nothing. Everything is buried in darkness."

"And?"

The duke's daughter asked again. It was strange. She wanted a different answer, as though there was something left in the mirror that I ought to see. But what else could it reflect?

"What else do you see?"

"..."

"Tell me. Do not hide it."

I decided to peer more closely into the mirror. I furrowed my brow and frowned. Yet what I could see remained much the same.

'Still nothing but darkness. Those unusually red eyes, and...'

It happened at that very moment. A sharp ringing shot through my head, and a headache seized me.

Characters I could not understand flashed before my eyes.

■■: ■■■

■■■: ■■

■■ ■■: [■■], [■■■], [■■], [■■]

■■ ■■: ■■

■■ ■■■: [■ster], [lov■], [■■■ ■■], [■■■], [■■■], [■■■■], [■■], [■■■ ■■■ ■ ■■ ■], [■■■■ ■■■■ ■], [■■ ■■■■ ■]

"Urk, huff...?"

I began to retch.

—Kim ■ngja ■■! Ple■se ■ ■■ ■ack!

[■■■■ the he■■ ■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■!]

Reflexively, I wrapped a hand around my throat. It hurt the instant I did, though I did not know why.

Since I had no choice but to leave what I did not know unanswered, I thought of something else.

'Thank goodness my stomach is empty.'

At least I had not vomited. Throwing up before the legitimate daughter of House Ivansia—the thought alone was horrifying. I desperately swallowed back my nausea.

Lady Silver Lily remained composed.

"I asked what you see."

What a cold person.

A bitter taste spread over the tip of my tongue.

"Letters... I see strange letters. And voices... strange voices... I do not really understand."

"Voices, you say."

Lady Silver Lily smiled very faintly at that. This smile looked more like a smile than the previous one had.

"You are loved."

"What do you mean...?"

"Tell me about the letters."

I could only stare blankly as she moved on without explaining. Her smile had faded, and she repeated herself calmly, without any sign of impatience.

"You said you saw strange letters. Tell me."

"... I cannot see them clearly. They are not complete words... All I can see are... fragments...?"

"Recite even a single fragment."

"Ster... lov... Beyond that, I simply cannot. Nothing."

"Hmm."

Lady Silver Lily rested a hand against her chin.

For some reason, her brows drew together.

"I see. [Ster] must be [master], and [lov] must be [lover]. What you preserved to the very end is quite like you. But your master comes before your lover? I understand, but I do not like it."

"My lady, there has been so much I cannot understand. You said this was not a dream, but if so, what do you want from me?"

"I want you."

"Forgive me. I still do not understa—"

"What did you dream?"

Lady Silver Lily cut me off with ease.

'Even if she is the legitimate daughter of House Ivansia...'

'I am Lady Golden Silk Blossom's one and only butler...'

'His Highness the crown prince favors my lady, and yet she treats me like this...'

Countless thoughts tangled in my head.

But none of them resonated in my heart. They merely wavered like music that had lost its rhythm. Soon, they crumbled.

"I do not remember clearly. But in the dream..."

In the end, what found voice upon my lips was an obedient answer to her question.

"In the dream?"

"... You were looking at me and crying, my lady."

Yes.

"I was in a chair... I think my whole body was tied to a chair. With something like rope. I did not know why I was bound, but you alone were there, in a lavish room, looking down at me."

Just before I woke up.

I had definitely seen that scene.

"My heart hurt. My chest... had been pierced by the blade you thrust into it. But I do not think that was all. In the dream, I..."

"You?"

"... I remember feeling terribly sorry toward you."

"Yes."

Lady Silver Lily smiled again.

Merely seeing that smile made me feel as though I would burst into tears, and my stomach churned.

"At least you know to be sorry. That is a relief."

"..."

"Do you know why you had that dream?"

"No. I do not. Not at all..."

"Because that is my [trauma]."

Trauma.

"I have not told you yet. My mother killed herself."

What?

My mind went blank with shock.

"I was too young at the time to know why she did it. A duchess. The moon of Ivansia. That someone with such power and wealth should end her own life... I do not know the reason, but I clearly remember the words my mother whispered after summoning me on her final night, and the sight of everyone quietly cremating her while hushing up her death."

This...

This was something I must not know. Something I must not even hear. To think such a tragedy lay hidden within House Ivansia. A secret so devastating that even using it as a weapon in a political struggle would be too much to bear.

"However."

Lady Silver Lily looked at me.

"Even that memory has ceased to be my trauma."

"..."

"I hear His Highness the Crown Prince gave Golden Silk Blossom a blue coral ring today."

One step.

Lady Silver Lily approached me.

"In my previous life, that drove me to despair. Or anger. You could call it envy and jealousy, too. All of it filled my heart. With a heart that cursed the world, I took up a sword and drove it into my heart's reflection in the mirror."

There was no sound of footsteps.

Only then did I realize she was barefoot.

"But even that is no longer my trauma."

She pressed down firmly.

Her foot stepped onto my shoe.

Her light, insignificant weight pinned one of my feet. I could step back whenever I wished, escape any time I wanted, yet with half her weight she held my entire body captive.

"Not even the ten days that repeated like an eternity."

Her hands drew closer.

"Nor the sight of my world stained with blood and destroyed, nor the forms of the demons that mimicked my tongue and lips to spread mockery. Everything that once scarred my heart is no longer my trauma."

Slender hands.

"It has ceased to be."

My throat.

"From now on, the right to hurt my heart belongs to you alone."

Both her hands lightly clasped my throat.

"Even if the person with the vilest tongue in the world cursed me for two days, it would mean less than a sigh you carelessly cast my way."

From little finger to forefinger. From her thinnest finger to her thickest, I felt every bit of pressure she exerted upon me.

"Even if the person with the most venomous malice in the world beat and whipped me, it would mean less than a single mocking smile from you. Though those capable of killing my body are too numerous to count, only you can wound and kill my soul."

I could not breathe.

"And so my trauma has already been reduced to one."

My throat tightened.

"My... lady..."

"Fool. I warned you clearly."

["If you scar my heart, I will kill you."]

"You have scarred me."

Warm murderous intent.

Her red eyes smiled.

"I have never broken a promise since I was four. Die."

"..."

"Die, and love me again."

I...

For some reason, I could not resist.

[You have died.]

And.

[Recreating the trauma of the enemy who killed you.]

[Penalty depth: Medium.]

[Realm of Hungry Ghosts.]

A dream within a dream unfolded.

* * *

I do not want to kill him.

Raviel Ivansia thought as she gazed at the man before her. I do not want to lose him. Once again, she found it laughable how possessive she was.

["My lady, think about it. You can come up with exactly the same thing I did. You are a regressor like me, after all."]

A dangerous man.

Raviel quickly realized what he was plotting. He was volunteering to immerse himself completely in the role of the 'butler.' If he then regressed one day from the 'butler's perspective,' he would return to a time before she offered her heart to the mirror.

He could overturn the game board itself.

'An ingenious idea.'

It would truly be a scheme that exploited a loophole in the Tower.

'Such a gentle face. What sort of mind produces these schemes?'

It felt good to know that the man she had come to love was no fool. Yes, very good indeed. Nevertheless, Raviel Ivansia objected.

["Gongja, it is dangerous."]

The reason was clear.

["I will no longer remember you."]

She, Raviel Ivansia, would not remember Kim Gongja.

Even if he returned to the previous day and stopped her from plunging her sword into the mirror, thereby preventing the tragedy of the eternal ten days from repeating, it would mean nothing if she could not remember him.

["I do not wish to live."]

["I wish to live with you."]

The days spent with you.

The fifteen-day vacation you granted me for the first time.

All those memories made her who she was now. Without them, she could no longer be Raviel Ivansia.

Did the man before her understand? Did he know she would feel no gratitude at all for escaping the ten-day labyrinth that way?

["It will be all right."]

Perhaps he did know.

["I will find a way to resolve it. No matter what."]

Judging by how maddeningly he spoke.

["Please trust me."]

["..."]

Raviel Ivansia fell silent.

The cruelty of those words paralyzed her for a moment. Trust him? Trust someone without any reason? Belatedly, she regretted the promise she had made a few days earlier to trust him at last. But Raviel Ivansia was far too desperate to remain submerged in paralysis and regret.

'I trust him.'

She trusted the man she loved. She trusted his competence. This was the man she had chosen. He was hers. Surely he would persuade the Tower [somehow] and succeed in regressing to the previous day.

The real problem began after that.

'How can we reverse immersion that has risen beyond 90%?'

If he succeeded in regressing to the previous day, he would certainly not remember her at first. Even if he did, it would be no more than a vague impression. Recalling the days he had spent with her in detail would be impossible.

'...'

No.

'Wait.'

There was a way.

Raviel groaned at the method she had thought of, then groaned once more. The claim that all the Empire's poison came from her heart flashed through her mind. Not for long. She could not let it linger.

Raviel Ivansia realized that she would carry out that method.

'I...'

And so she engraved upon her heart the method she had conceived, the method she would carry out.

'I need only kill this man.'

Trauma.

He had confessed almost everything about himself to her. Told her. His ability had a side effect that let him glimpse the memories of the person who killed him.

'If I can make this very moment my trauma.'

When she killed him, he would glimpse [now].

Not some moment from her past, but this very moment in which she was thinking.

["..."]

Then. If only she could do that.

["I can tell him everything again. Everything I want to say, every memory I want to give him."]

["Through me, he will be able to remember once more."]

["Yes."]

Raviel was certain of success.

["Since I have become your first bastard, you will become my last."]

Gongja.

["Truly, I have taken a bad man for a lover."]

Are you listening?

I am happy because you are here. I do not want to lose you. I do not want to let go of the time we have spent together.

You said, ["Starting today, I will keep a diary."] You said that to show me every part of your day. Were those words a lie?

You said, ["I will learn music."] Because you wanted me to spend quiet evenings listening to your music. Was that wish truly false?

I want to see your day. I want to bid farewell to the evening with you. Your day will surely make me smile, and evenings with you will be happy. I want my smile and your happiness to overlap.

I do not want to kill you.

I do not want to lose you.

["Are you all right?"]

["Yes... I am still all right... More."]

["You want more kisses? My lover is truly spoiled."]

Look at me.

Look at yourself with me.

You are a foolish man. Even naive. I wonder how you can live in this world with such naivety, but the answer soon comes to me: that must be why you died thousands of times.

There are countless reasons to abandon naivety. Few reasons to preserve it. You refuse to abandon it despite all those reasons, and preserve it despite having so few. I call that purity.

I cherish your purity.

["Are you still all right?"]

["Raviel..."]

Are you afraid you will lose yourself? Are you frightened?

["I love you. I love you, Raviel..."]

["I know."]

It is all right.

["Even if I am born again, I will love you..."]

I am here.

Trust me as I trust you.

Lean on me.

["So make sure I can never forget you. So I cannot forget you even if I die..."]

["I know."]

Alone, you cannot protect yourself.

Alone, I cannot protect the world.

But together, you and I can do anything.

I am afraid, too. I am frightened of killing you.

It is terribly frightening to approach you knowing that doing so will wound me.

But my fear is no obstacle to being with you.

Look.

["... My goodness."]

At last, submerged in the butler's role, you speak to me.

["Lady Ducal Heir."]

A throb.

My chest aches. It hurts.

It grieves me that you call me [ducal heir] rather than [my lady].

["Have you kidnapped me?"]

That disbelieving expression. It hurts to have you look at me with suspicion. It is painful to have you react as though you have never seen me before.

["This is too much. Even if House Ivansia's power extends across the heavens, this is too much. Do you hate Lady Golden Silk Blossom so much that you would threaten me, her servant?"]

Listen.

This is the wound you left me.

["Gongja."]

Do not forget.

["... Who are you looking for?"]

Never. Do not forget, even in death.

["My lover."]

The man who offered me his heart.

["The man to whom I will offer my heart."]

You are here.

In my heart.

["Go, and return."]